Hmmm... yes.. its been quite a while, hasn't it? I do not know what brings me back here today. I just felt like reaching out again today. And well, someone posted a comment that they've been missing my posts, and who am I to disappoint fans :P

Anyway, over the past months, lot has changed. You could say I've started on the spiritual treadmill. Been reading a few books here and there, saw a movie and such, and yes, the effects have been good. I've gained a totally new perspective to life, and a lot of the confusion which pervaded most of my previous experiences is now gone. Life is finally the joyous and momentous occasion it is supposed to be, and heck I'm enjoying it! The previous sentence may sound ...lets say... very, very unlike me... I've usually been known to crib about everything, and my writings generally hold, or used to hold, a sarcastic frustration towards life. And I've especially been known to keep a very large distance from mushy and 'rosy' stuff as above, but as I said, things have changed, and I'm glad that they have.

Now, will this blog live? I can't answer definitely, but given my changed outlook, I think more frequent posts may be in the coming. Though I also think my writing style may change a bit now, once again owing to the changed outlook. My posts might contain spiritual stuff, or experiences with a more positive ring to them. I might loose out on some of the mild sarcastic humor that I commanded in the past (:P) but I think I have a lot to gain. I hope people who have been reading me keep doing so, and.... yeap thats about it :) thank you yall!!!

another poem... i call it anger

Red rage surrounds me
As the anger blinds me
all reason is forgotten
and the only feeling left
is for the fallen expectation

A desire to hurt overwhelms me
If not you it might as well be me
For I wish to see remorse in your eyes
For hurting me
You'll have to pay the price

But as the red haze clears
As the consequence of thoughtless actions draws near
I'm sad that I did as I did
I wish to undo what I did
A calm thought would have prevented
all the pain being caused now
But you must understand,
Sometimes I have to let go,
But I don't know how...

Just some dark and depressing stuff I wrote in a dark and depressing mood...


I look at the world
through an unseen cage,
As I try to soothe
my silent rage.

Anger wells inside me
for the way God made me,
Hate is always in the way
of everything I say.

Fooled always
by fake delight,
I don't know if the moment
will ever be right.

Its always despair in the end,
dread at what ever I do,
My mind hollowed of all emotions
tries to find its way through.

Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
or is it simply death...
Is there an end to this misery
or is it misery up to my end?

A Matrimonial Story:
My Mother's Woes

Since recently I've started taking minor interests in the saas-bahu, maa-beti soaps doing the rounds of prime-time. Though I still don't give much more regard to them than a pile of cat-poop, it seems they just might hold some ground in reality. For, I'm witnessing a similar high-emotion packed maa-beti drama unfold under the roof of my very own home. The "beti" here is my sister, a fun and freedom loving freak who's just comlpleted four years of engineering staying away from home. Away from the scrutiny of her parents, she has but obviously made the most of all that time, enjoying herself to the hilt. Now back home, she is grudgingly coming to terms with the restrictions which automatically apply themselves when you live with your parents. However, these are the least of her woes. How can an Indian drama concerning the fiarer sex be complete without prospects of marriage??? And that is just what our story revolves around. My mother, like all Indian mothers, has decided that it is time to take up the cause of finding a suitable groom for her daughter. And thus begins a battle of will and wit, between the maa and beti. The two women, who have until now been totally understanding and supportive towards each other in all highs and lows of life, find it difficult to see eye to eye without sparking off the dreaded topic of marriage. The tension has been building up for the past couple of days, and the interaction between the two protagonists has been reduced to either cold silence or emotional outbursts. I'm yet to see tears flowing from either end but I doubt if that situation is far away.

Well, to be fair towards my mother, she has not actually started looking for the groom. But she has certainly attempted to take the first step, i.e. getting a matrimonial photo clicked. Just two days back, we all went to a Kodak studio, under the pretext of getting a family photograph clicked (which was a fair enough reason, as we don't have a single proper family photo). First, my mom smilingly suggested that my sister dress up in a sari. My sis probably didn't see through the ruse, but she scoffingly refused, out of distaste. My mother, not to be let down, then suggested she put on some make-up. Things probably started dawning on my sister now, and she refused this too, a bit more silently though. At the studio, the family photos were taken, but after that my mother started insisting that a single photo be taken of my sister. Turning to the photographer she said she wanted a matrimonial photo. Needless to say, my poor sister was thunderstruck. Stoutly refusing to get anything clicked she walked out of the studio. Sensing that a row may be inevitable if she persisted, my mother let things go there, but not before throwing a knives and daggers look (the ones which they show from three different angles in TV soaps) towards my sister. The cold war had begun.

And so, the war persists. My mother has been trying to employ the deadly weapon of emotional blackmail, while my sister simply sticks to her defense of stout refusal. Both sides are trying to gain ground by different means. My mom is tapping into the network of my mamis and chachis, who have been through this battle and emerged victorious. However, unknown to my mother, my sister has been gathering intelligence from the daughters of these very people, as they warn her of the different ploys used by mothers to hurry their daughters towards their nuptials.

What happens next? Will the Indian mother once again conquer the new age freedom loving spirit of the next generation? Or will the beti introduce some new twist in the tale (a love interest maybe ;-), in true tradition of Indian prime time television)? Stay tuned for the next episode!!!

Reservation Issue

I'm broken. I feel like a foreigner in my own country. The government's decision to implement the 50% reservations in all educational institutes, without giving the slightest consideration towards the interests of the meritorious students has come as a shock for me. My faith in democracy is fading now. Democracy is an institution which allows us to voice our opinions and needs through the form of peaceful protests. But its almost as if all protests were in vain. Had these protests been staged by some OBC groups, they would have received the highest political attention. But these protests by the "politically non-important general category" middle class have failed to achieve anything. The only thing proven was how one can make a fool of himself through innovative forms of peaceful protest in this country. The government has simply decided to pacify us by hollow promises of increasing seats, which, going by the current faculty shortage and lack of infrastructure, seems to be a highly improbable right now. However, the quotas will be brought into place with immediate effect. What can one make of this? These quotas are nothing more than a political gimmick. If, even after 60 years, these reservations have failed to achieve their goal, it clearly means that they are flawed or their implementation is flawed. Which exactly is the case, because these quotas are being used by politicians not for upliftment of backward classes, but for their own upliftment.

The First Glass of Beer

The First Glass of Beer

hehe... I don't want this to look like a drunkard's blog, but I wrote this when I had my first encounter with alchohol... read away

There I was, sitting in a lounge bar, for the first time, and having a beer, also for the first time. I would have refused under normal circumstances, but the atmosphere was right(dark with heavy disco music playing, also filled with a smell of cigrette smoke), and my brother was offering me a glass upfront. Well, what did I have to lose? After all, I am an engineering student now, and engineering is never complete without learning how to digest beer, right? So, I went for it.

My bro went to get a cigrette pack before the beer arrived, he sid that beer ain't complete without cigs. And so the beer arrived while he was gone. I was happy for the darkness, for the expression on my face was one of nervousness, and I didn't want the waiter to see that. Then the beer was poured and the waiter was gone, and I was left alone with two full glasses of beer in front of me. Beer looks really tempting and delicious when its just been poured into the glass. The colour is golden, and there is a light froth floating on the top. But this feeling lasts only as long as the beer is untouched and in the glass... the moment you put it to your lips, you realise what it really is -> rotten carbohydrates. Once again I was thankful for the darkness, for this time the expression on my face was one of disgust and nausea, and it would have exposed the fact that I was drinking for the first time. Well, not exactly the first time, I've had wine before, but wine's kind of light and good tasting(certainly better tasting than beer), also its called a ladies' drink. Beer, on the other hand tastes rotten, as mentioned above, and I've seen it being drunk mostly by men. And so, I had to prove I was man.

My brother arrived with a pack of cigrettes, and now I was burdened with the task of drinking the beer with a straight face. I gazed around for sometime, munching on the few munchies that came with the drink(probably to drown the taste of beer). And then the dreaded moment arrived, my bother picked up his glass, and motioned for "cheers". I had to do the same, and so I did, and put the glass to my lips for the second time in the evening, and sipped. The same rotten taste filled me, but it wasn't so bad this time. In fact, I eventually managed to finish 3/4th of the glass, by having huge amounts of snacks between each sip, each of which was accompanied by a grimace. My borther had finished his glass by then and was watching me with a grin, maybe he knew of my plight. I finally couldn't bring myself to drown anymore of the vile liquid down my throat, and offered him the remainder of my drink. He accepted it and drowned it in two gulps. I watched him, somewhat wide-eyed. He probably had lost his taste buds in an accident which none of us knew about, else how could he have drunk that vile tasting fluid?

Well, the ordeal was finally over, and I smsed all my friends proudly "Chotte, aaj beer maara... bahut mazaa aaya!"

The day I got drunk....



hmmm... initially I thought I wouldn't be posting about this event, but after reading my brother's post on this topic , I simply had to write something, so here goes...


The "Want to get drunk" mode:
My friend had come over for the day, and the general timepass was going on - I was playing guitar, he was singing. We were just roaming about in the evening, trying to find the perfect end to a perfect day. And what better end to a day there is than to get totally drunk, and go overboard with your best friend? But neither of us had actually drunk too much before (We'd had our share of ocassional beer and rum, but had never drunk to the hilt), so we needed someone experienced, someone who could provide us a place to get drunk, and most importantly, provide us with the drinks, as me and my friend were obviously broke. So I called up my brother, and on the happy ocassion of him being selected into IIM-B (yep, he's THAT smart) and me being the useless ass that I am, asked him to get us drunk. Initially he tried to weasel out of it, and gave us crap along the lines of "Mujhse yeh paap ka kaam nahi hoga" (yeah, right, and I'm the King of England), but I guess he didn't want to miss watching his brother doing all kinds of stupid stuff when he gets drunk. And so the course of the evening was decided and I packed my guitars and equipment to take along with me, hoping that I might get some magical inspiration to make good music under the influence of alcohol (none of that happened - I was lucky enough not to puke on my guitar).

The "Drunk" mode:
Anyway, once there, it was decided that we would get drunk on vodka. The spirit was bought, along with a bottle of sprite and some haldiram stuff, and we were ready to go. The first peg was expertly prepared by my bro and it went down nice and easy... the lightheadedness began and me and my friend started belting out rock numbers at full volume.. ah that was fun. However, instead of preparing the second peg my bro started talking to some girlfriend of his, so we took matters into our own hands. The next glass we preapared was almost 50% vodka, and after drinking half of the stuff we refilled the glass once again with neat vodka. I don't know how strong that is, but for us first timers it was pretty strong. Already my body was loosening and there was a stupid grin on my face... And my brother was sitting there enjoying the show. I guess he didn't have the patience to wait for us to get drunk slowly, so he told us very calmly (just like the devil urging two innocent souls to commit a sin) that if we want the alcohol to go to our heads, we must drink the entire thing in one go. What the heck, we were half drunk anyway, and couldn't wait to achieve the full drunk status. So the glass was emptied at the count of three. Bad idea. Almost immidiately my head started spinning and my senses went for a walk. It was as if my mind was trying to control my body through a remote control, whose batteries had run out. Well, the fun stuff started now, as we started calling people up, and started spilling the secrets of everyone... but the "fun" status lasted only for so long. My head couldn't take the spinning much longer, and it pressed the "puke" button on the remote control... and so I puked. And puked. And puked. AND puked. My friend followed soon, but the baboon was too drunk to realise that he was drunk, and wanted more vodka. And now I passed into the "splitting head" status. I went completely out on the floor and my head started aching real bad. I have vague visions of my brother lifting me and putting me on the bed, and placing a bucket next to the bed if I wanted to puke again, which turned out to be a smart move, as I made plenty use of the bucket. I hardly slept during the night,however, and was groaning real loud that my head was aching. I wonder how my brother managed to sleep. I guess my friend was the probably the only one who managed to get some sleep, after puking peacefully on the floor.

The "Hangover" mode:
Next morning we woke up feeling weak and drained. The whole place stank of puke. We were however in no mood to go home yet. My mom has a sense of smell more acute than a bloodhound's, and going home in this status would mean virtual death. So we decided to have fun while the hangover lasted. We called up all the grils we knew and sang songs to them in the morning. Nice way to get rid of hangover. Eventually the girls got sick of us and started cutting our calls. With nothing much to do, we finally cleaned ourselves, took baths, and left. Back home, my mom was very curious to know what I had done the previous night. I made up some stories, but I guess on one level she knew. Parents always know.

Inhibitions....


My entire social life is governed by inhibitions and preconcieved notions. Which probably explains why I don't have a social life. Whenever I meet a new person, espcially a female new person, I become too concious of myself. My mind starts scrutinising everything that I'm doing, the words that come out of my mouth, every single movement of my body, everything. I'm scared too come off too strong, and at the same time I don't want to go unnoticed. In short, I lose everything that comes naturally to me. Negative thoughts start formulating in my mind, and so even if the person in front of me tries to make conversation, I give back bland monosyllabic answers which erases any further potential for conversation. So, in the entire process of trying not to look like a fool, I end up looking completely like a fool. *sigh* and the worst part is I don't even realise all this till the person has left and half an hour has passed away. And this keeps happening again and again, and again. So basically I'm making this post right now because the above mentioned process has taken palce today(for the umpteenth time) and I'm feeling like an idiot, and contemplating how to prevent it from happening again. Any suggestions?